Michelle Obama: Why Women Are Harshly Judged for Defying Society’s Expectations, By Nwachukwu Ikenna
Editor's note: In this piece, marriage and relationship coach Nwachukwu Mac-Anthony Ikenna examines the societal double standards women face when making independent choices, unpacking how outdated norms, media bias, and public scrutiny continue to shape unfair judgments.
Women are often judged more harshly than men for making decisions that defy societal expectations for a complex mix of reasons, stemming from historical power imbalances, deeply ingrained biases, and persistent cultural norms.
Here’s a breakdown:
Source: Getty Images
1. Gender Roles and Societal Expectations:
Old Rules: For a long time, society has had strict ideas about what women should be like (wives, mothers, staying home). Even though things are changing, these old ideas still stick around.
“The Good Woman” Image: Women are often expected to be nice, caring, and prioritise the needs of others (especially their family) over their own. Decisions that deviate from this image are seen as “selfish” or “unnatural.”
When women challenge these norms, it is seen as a threat to the established social order, leading to backlash and judgment. It is a way of reinforcing the status quo and discouraging other women from deviating.
2. Power and Control:
When women make independent choices, especially in areas traditionally dominated by men (e.g., career, finances, sexuality), it can be perceived as a challenge to male authority and control.
Some people are uncomfortable with women having autonomy and making decisions that affect their lives. Judgment can be a way of trying to limit their power and keep them in their supposed place.
3. Double Standards:
Women are often judged for prioritizing career over family or vice versa, while men are rarely scrutinized for the same choices. A working mother is often seen as neglecting her children, while a working father is seen as a provider.
When a woman decides to take personal time off, to probably focus on herself, she is called selfish, gossipers will say there is a problem in her marriage and all sorts of things.
Source: Getty Images
Women are also often judged more harshly for their sexual choices than men. A woman is not expected to like sex, to ask for it, or to deserve pleasure.
Women are often judged more harshly for their appearance, regardless of their choices. If they dress too provocatively, they’re seen as “asking for it.” If they don’t dress attractively enough, they’re seen as letting themselves go.
4. Internalised Misogyny:
Unfortunately, some women also contribute to the judgment of other women, due to internalized misogyny - the unconscious adoption of sexist beliefs and attitudes.
Societal pressures can create a sense of competition among women, leading them to judge each other’s choices and appearances in an effort to feel better about themselves.
5. Media Representation:
The media often drives a harmful narrative about women, portraying them as overly emotional, irrational, and overly concerned with their appearance, which makes it look like they are not good for anything else other than being dummies.
6. Lack of Empathy and Understanding:
People often judge women’s choices without understanding the specific circumstances or pressures they face.
Women’s mental capacity to reasonably think for themselves and make informed decisions is always dismissed. People see women as mentally handicapped individuals.
7. Gossip-mongering, content-mongering and entitlement mentality.
People will be people, and people will always talk; gossip is as old as man. Some people like to stick their noses into other people’s lives with this entitlement mindset that suggests that if you’re famous, you have to tell them everything about your family and personal life. This one really gets to me, which is why I admire certain public figures who have mastered the art of separating their family from their public life. There is no law that mandates you to explain or share your private family life with the public. Instead, the law even protects you from people who are too nosy.
Source: Getty Images
In the old days, it was about being the first to hear the gist and spread it; the same is the case today, only that social media has amplified it. People want to push out content on the regular, garner followers, and be the go-to person for the latest hot gist making the rounds, so there is no care in the world to vet and confirm information before putting it out.
Marriage gist, especially quarrels and misunderstandings between spouses, is a gist that spreads and sells like wildfire. The person who started the gist about Michelle Obama did so because they knew it was a gist that would spread quickly.
Unfortunately, I don’t see a solution to all these gist mongering, except a counsel to public figures and every other person out there to try to separate their family life from their public life. When there is a rumour or a misrepresentation, pick and choose which ones deserve your attention, and even in giving attention the only thing you should do is firmly clear the air, without over sharing, nobody deserves any explanation, but for the sake of your brand and reputation it is okay to clear the air from time to time.
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Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Legit.ng.
Nwachukwu Mac-Anthony Ikenna, popularly known as “The Love Doctor,” is a Certified Relationship, Marriage, and Sex Counsellor, writer, and author. He is the founder of Liege of Hearts and has helped many couples navigate tough times and rebuild healthier relationships.
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