10 common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity
Infidelity is undeniably one of the most challenging things any relationship could face. If your marriage has been through it, you are familiar with the pain, anger, and shame that often follow. Unfortunately, dealing with the whirlwind of negative emotions is problematic when trying to reconcile with a cheating partner. These are the 10 common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity.
Source: UGC
Most couples are faced with the dilemma of when to walk away after infidelity. This is because trust is broken, and it's not easy to make things work again. Understanding the common reconciliation mistakes to avoid when trying to make things work after infidelity will make the process easier.
10 common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity
After infidelity in your relationship, moving on as a couple might feel like a challenge. It requires time, effort, and an awareness of the most common mistakes couples make after cheating. Here are 10 common marriage mistakes to avoid after infidelity.
1. Asking too many questions
Most couples do not know how to fix a relationship after cheating. There are a lot of questions to be answered, and it is natural to want to discuss the issue. It is advisable to talk about it, but don't ask for details since that will hurt you more.
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Instead, ask the right questions to help you understand the circumstances and the reasoning behind your partner's actions. The bottom line is that your partner cheated, and too many details can make moving on complex and way too hurtful.
You don't need a play-by-play picture painted in your head as it doesn't serve your mental health. This is because you will now have vivid images of how the infidelity happened.
Once the necessities are covered, the details don't matter. However, some questions undoubtedly need to be asked right away, such as:
- What happened?
- Why did this happen?
- How did it happen?
- How long did it go on?
2. Lack of full disclosure
While giving your partner too many details of an affair can be a mistake, withholding crucial information is just as bad. Many couples trying to reconcile after cheating have difficulty striking the right balance of information.
Understanding how to rebuild trust after cheating is crucial if you want a functional relationship. Hiding information and not being straightforward about the affair hurts your partner more because these betrayal wounds keep opening up.
If you have cheated or betrayed your partner's trust, answering their questions openly and honestly is important. This is a sign that you are ready to move on and start rebuilding trust.
3. Becoming defensive
Source: UGC
Remember that when an affair happens, it means the relationship had issues, whether the marriage was solid or not. It takes two to make a marriage flawless and two to bring it down.
There are no perfect marriages and knowing how to heal after being cheated on and staying together is a two-person affair.
It is, therefore, important not to self-blame or criticize your partner, especially if you want to save the marriage. Do not be defensive about your contribution to the mess.
4. Over-internalizing emotions
Many avoid lashing out after infidelity to avoid rocking the boat. While this might be okay, it is also important not to internalize your emotions. Allow yourself to feel the emotions and take weeks, months, and however long you need to feel them.
Betrayal can sometimes feel like grief, and you should let yourself go through all the stages until you heal. You shouldn't go on with your lives and pretend like nothing happened since that can also slow down recovery.
Try talking about your feelings with your partner and be open for them to share their feelings with you in a respectful and caring way. This will help you avoid getting stuck in resentment, unvoiced feelings, and anger.
5. Taking revenge
It is painful and heartbreaking when your partner cheats on you and breaks your heart. This might be the worst hurt that you have experienced in your life. But there is no point in taking revenge on your partner, especially if you want to save your marriage.
Revenge will not change the past and will only make matters worse. "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves," said Confucius. In other words, trying to hurt your spouse with words or actions is hurting yourself in the long run.
Moreover, infidelity revenge can be messy and dangerous because emotions are involved. One can easily slip into a psychotic break, resulting in a fatal outcome.
6. Rushing the process
Healing and coming to terms with infidelity takes time. You need time to process what happened and feel the full range of emotions that will spiral up within you.
Feelings of sadness, anger, disgust, confusion, and shame are common, and you should allow yourself the experience them and heal with time. Do not try to rebuild trust in one fell swoop.
Couples sometimes sabotage themselves by expecting trust to be 100 percent immediately. It will take time as you prove yourselves to each other again. If you are not ready to let it go, don't force yourself to do so.
Understanding that trust and forgiveness are incremental, especially for an affair, doesn't come all at once. For many couples, it takes a year or two to heal, so give yourself some time.
7. Involving the children
Source: UGC
Navigating through infidelity if you have children can be very complicated. It is important to ensure that the children are not involved in whatever is happening between you. This will allow the children to retain their opinions of each parent without taking sides.
No person should go to a child with stories about either partner. This is not only disrespectful to the partner, but it's harmful to children emotionally.
Children are often too young and naïve to comprehend what happened. Therefore, they do not need to be involved in the reconciliation process and certainly don't need to know what happened.
8. Not going for counselling
One of the 10 common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity is not seeking help. This is more so if you're both struggling with your emotions and do not know how to deal with infidelity. Every marital conversation can seem like a minefield once your partner cheats.
You may want to rebuild your relationship but do not know how to go about it. A relationship expert can organise trust-building exercises for couples after infidelity, making them trust each other again.
Professional couples therapy can be beneficial to mediate and point out where the issues are and the things that need to happen. Then, therapy can help you through that process and guide you through safe communication in a controlled environment. As therapy can be expensive, online counselling is also possible and costs a lot less.
9. Telling everyone about what happened
Source: UGC
After infidelity, there are so many people you want to tell. Most people want to talk and vent about it. This is okay to an extent if it's a therapist, a close family member, or a friend you can trust.
While it's essential to have a third party to talk about it, it's not okay to tell the whole world. Do not tell all your family members and friends, and most certainly do not tell your co-workers.
Reconciliation will be much harder if you tell everyone about how terrible your spouse was. Your friends and family will have a strong opinion about your partner, changing their view of them even when you reconcile.
Smearing your spouse around town will only make things worse and could come back to haunt your mental health. After reconciliation, your partner will be around these people again and feel ashamed because everyone will know about the infidelity.
10. Contacting the other party
In the heat of the moment, there is a temptation to contact the other party as you look for answers about the affair. This is one of the biggest mistakes you can make, especially when working on rebuilding your relationship.
You should not attempt to reach out to the person your partner cheated with. This can lead to an ugly altercation that is not necessary. If you need to know anything, you can ask your partner.
Confronting the other party is not a way to rebuild your marriage because it simply stirs up drama that serves no purpose. You both need to know how to get over cheating and stay together without seeking an the audience with the other party.
When should you not forgive a cheating spouse?
Forgiving a cheating spouse is a personal choice and should only be done if you want to. The following are some reasons why you should not forgive your spouse:
- they do not apologize;
- they do not change their behaviour and are not remorseful about it;
- it becomes a habit;
- they are not putting in any effort to work on the relationship;
- they are still in touch with the person they cheated with.
What are the triggers after infidelity?
A trigger is anything that reminds you of infidelity. Triggers after an affair include love stories, lack of communication between you and your partner, and spending time with your partner who cheated. Sometimes triggers can just come out of the blue when you least expect them.
How long does a marriage last after infidelity?
A marriage can last as long or as short after infidelity. This is because marriages are different, and the effort the couple puts in after infidelity will determine how long it will last.
What boundaries to set after cheating?
It is essential to set boundaries after cheating to succeed in rebuilding trust. Here are some boundaries you can set:
- Come up with a plan on how you will work things out.
- Decide if taking time out and physical separation is necessary.
- Agree upon when you will discuss the details of the affair.
- Determine what boundaries should exist between the offending partner and the other party.
Infidelity in marriage takes a toll on both parties in the relationship and more so the children. Reconciliation is not easy but is necessary if you want to have your family together and still love each other. The above are 10 common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity that will help you work on your marriage.
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