What to say when someone dies: find the right comforting words
Losing a loved one is one of the most challenging experiences a person can go through. Sometimes it may be challenging to know what to say when someone dies. It's natural to feel overwhelmed with emotions and unsure of what to say or do to support someone who is grieving. When someone you care about is grieving the loss of a loved one, it can be comforting to offer your condolences and let them know that you are there for them. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, founder and director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, offers advice on how to console a grieving friend, emphasizing the power of listening, avoiding cliches, and providing meaningful gestures.
Source: UGC
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Experiencing the loss of a loved one is a heart-wrenching and difficult time. If you're unsure what to say to someone grieving, remember that sometimes the simplest words can be the most comforting. Letting someone know you are there for them and that you care can make a big difference.
How can someone effectively offer comfort to someone who is grieving?
Dr. Alan Wolfelt, founder and director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, explained in an interview that comforting someone, particularly a friend, is not an easy task, as more concern, time, and love have to be poured out than you have ever had. He suggested the following ways to offer comfort:
Listen attentively
Dr. Wolfelt said one of the best ways to help a friend who is grieving is to concentrate on listening to the words that are being shared with you. He explained:
Helping begins with your ability to be an active listener. Your physical presence and desire to listen without judging are critical helping tools. By ‘walking with’ your friend in grief, you are giving one of life’s most precious gifts.
Your friend may relate the same story about the death over and over again. Listen attentively each time. Realize this repetition is part of your friend’s healing process. Simply listen and understand.
Be compassionate
Dr. Wolfelt said it is important to allow your friend who is grieving to experience all the hurt, sorrow, and pain that he or she is feeling at that time without fear of criticism. He said:
Don’t instruct or set expectations about how he or she should respond. Never say, ‘I know just how you feel.’ You don’t. Think about your helper role as someone who ‘walks with,’ not ‘behind, or ‘in front of’ the one who is mourning.
Offer practical help
The expert also mentioned some practical ways to support a friend at a time of grief, such as preparing food, washing clothes, cleaning the house, or even answering the telephone, as these little things will be needed at the time of the death and in weeks or months ahead.
What phrases or words are considered comforting, and why might they be effective?
Dr. Wolfelt said when caring for and showing concern for a friend who is experiencing loss, avoiding clichés is crucial. According to him, he said:
Clichés are trite comments often intended to diminish the loss by providing simple solutions to difficult realities. Comments like, ‘You are holding up so well,’ ‘Time heals all wounds,’ ‘Think of all you still have to be thankful for,’ or ‘Just be happy that he’s out of his pain’ are not constructive. Instead, they hurt and make a friend’s journey through grief more difficult.
What advice would you give to people who may feel unsure or awkward about what to say?
For those uncertain about what to say, Dr. Wolfelt suggests writing a personal note to express your concern. Some of the things he said that can be included in such a sympathy write-up are:
- Share a favorite memory of the person who died.
- Relate the special qualities that you value in him or her.
These words will often be a loving gift to your grieving friend, words that will be reread and remembered for years.
- Use the name of the person who has died either in your note or when you talk to your friend.
Hearing that name can be comforting, and it confirms that you have not forgotten this important person who was so much a part of your friend’s life.
What to say when someone dies
The death of loved ones is always brutal to accept and face. These words of encouragement can help lessen the pain of someone grieving.
- We are praying for our dear friend in your time of sorrow. (Name) was a gift and a light that will shine on this earth forever.
- I’m so grateful to have known (name of the deceased), and I want you to know I’m here if you need anything.
- I know no words can ease your pain, but please know I’m thinking of you. I’m so terribly sorry.
- It’s hard to believe, I’m just so sorry.
- Warm thoughts for you on these chilly, lonely nights.
- You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
- I wish there was more I could do. All I can say is how sorry I am.
- (Name) was a wonderful young man, loved by everyone at school. He was one of my best students and loved you both tremendously.
- We’re all thinking of you.
- I was so sorry to hear of (Name) passing. They were a special person and will be sorely missed.
- You have my deepest sympathy.
- My heart goes out to you after this sudden loss. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
- Please know that however you're feeling right now— numb, guilty, tired, angry, sad—it's normal. There's no right way to feel. Remember that am always here with you.
- There's no wrong way to grieve. You're doing it beautifully, although I hate that you have to do it.
- I can’t imagine how difficult this must be. I just wanted to offer my condolences and let you know I can be there for you if you need me.
- I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now. Please don’t hesitate to tell me if anything comes to mind.
- I'm praying every day for your comfort and for you to be able to find joy again. I love you.
What to say when someone dies unexpectedly
Finding the right things to say when someone dies unexpectedly can be challenging. Here are the best words you can say to your friend in such ordeals.
Source: UGC
- I can’t express how sorry I am to hear of (Name)’s passing. Take heart.
- I was so saddened to hear this shocking news. My heart goes out to you at this time of grief.
- We are/I am here to support you during this difficult time, and we/I hope that you know that we are with you.
- Our family was shocked and saddened to hear about your mom. Please accept our prayers and our love as you mourn her loss.
- The sky is so grey for you right now; I hope the clouds part soon.
- I am so sorry to hear of this unexpected loss. Please accept my heartfelt condolences.
- I'm just a phone call or a text away. Please don't hesitate to reach out.
- Your brother was one of a kind. My son will miss having him as his teacher.
- I just heard about (Name) death. You must be dealing with a lot right now, but I’d like to provide the funeral flowers. Let me know what you need, and it’ll be done.
- I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’m here for you anytime you need to talk or want a shoulder to lean on.
- We all loved her so dearly. She was a wonderful woman.
- In times of great sadness, look back and take comfort in all the beautiful memories you made. We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your father.
- I’m so sorry to hear of (Name) passing, and I can’t help thinking of you and wondering how I could make these days better for you in some way. If there’s anything you need or would like, call or text me anytime.
What to say when someone loses a parent
Losing a parent is a difficult and emotional experience; it can be tough to know what to say to someone grieving. Here are a few suggestions for things you could say to offer support and comfort:
Source: UGC
- Your mom loved you very much. She was so proud of the young lady you’ve become. She told me about you every time we met.
- I wish you nothing but peace, comfort, strength, and as many good things as possible. May your father/mother rest in peace, and may you always know we’re here for you.
- Your father was an inspiration to me. I’m grateful to have known him and been his friend.
- I’m glad you have some good memories to cherish from your life with your father/mom, but I know that does not lessen the suffering and pain of losing him/her. Words are useless to me right now, but I’m ready to help in any way I can.
- Your father was one of the most amazing people I have worked with. His hard-working spirit was incomparable, and he always had a good word for everyone he met. I’ll miss him very much.
- Your father/mother was one of my favorite people, and so are you. Please know that you’re not alone, and I will jump at the chance to do anything that might bring you comfort or lighten your load somehow.
- I will never forget the special times I spent with you and your mother. She was always there for me growing up. She will be missed dearly.
- I have no idea what to say that could possibly comfort you at a time like this. Just know I’m hurting with you and ready to help with anything — including clean-up afterwards.
- We are devastated by the news of your mother’s passing. We express our deepest condolences to you, your father, and the rest of the family members. Please know that our thoughts are with you during this time of grief.
- There are no words to convey how terrible this is. You are in my prayers.
- Your father/mother was a wonderful person who will be greatly missed. Please know that we are here for you if there is anything we can do to help.
- You are a dear friend to me, and I want to support you in any way I can. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
- No words can describe what a truly beautiful soul your father had. He was a very special man, and we’re so sorry for your loss.
- I never met your mom personally, but from all the stories you shared, I felt like I got to know her. Thank you for sharing her wonderful life with me. I’ll treasure her memory.
Beautiful things to say when someone dies
Sending comforting messages to a loved one at the time of their loss is a priceless gesture. It assures them that you care. Below is a collection of beautiful messages on what to say when someone passes away.
Source: UGC
- I'm so sorry that you've lost someone who you and your family loved so much.
- I'm sure you made your mother so proud; I'm sorry her light is gone from your life.
- Your brother was the funniest guy; he could always make my son laugh. We’ll miss his bright smile.
- A father’s love is a never-ending gift. May you forever feel his light shining down on you from Heaven.
- No matter the time or place, we will be there for you. You are in our thoughts and prayers, always.
- Your fiancée was a wonderful person.
- Please don’t worry about dinner this week. I’d like to send you meals each night. Are you allergic to anything?
- I was deeply affected when I heard of your loss. Please reach out if you are struggling.
- I’m so sorry to hear about your sister. She was always so gentle and kind to those around her.
- We all need help at times like this; I am here for you.
- I know the loss of your partner is unbearable right now, but I know their love will be with you forever.
- What can I do to help you right now?
- I was so surprised to learn about (Name) passing. I can’t imagine how hard this is on you.
- I know it’s not the same, but we feel your loss with you. Your sister was the heart and soul of our cheer team.
It's important to remember that everyone grieves differently. It's more about being present, offering a listening ear, and showing that you care. Hopefully, you know what to say when someone dies to help lessen the pain and suffering of the bereaved.
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Brian Oroo (Lifestyle writer) Brian Oroo has been working as a writer in Legit.ng since 2021. His main area of specialization is on topics regarding lifestyle, celebrities, news, and many more. He won the Writer of the Year Award on Legit in 2023. Brian graduated with a Bsc. in Electrical and Electronics Engineering from Jomo Kenyatta University (JKUAT) in 2021. In 2023, Brian finished the AFP course on Digital Investigation Techniques. His email is brianoroo533@gmail.com
Mary Ugbodaga (Lifestyle Journalist) Mary Ugbodaga is a Legit.ng journalist with 7 years of experience in journalism and media communications. She graduated from Covenant University in 2018 with a Bachelor's degree in Mass Communication/Media Studies. Mary previously worked as a journalist at TheCable, CNBC AFRICA, Voice of Nigeria, KPMG Nigeria. Email: mary.ugbodaga@corp.legit.ng.
