70+ funny medical quotes for the doctors in your life

Medical professionals are revered because of how important their work is. Saving and prolonging lives makes physicians the most critical members of the world. Since their job is often serious and extremely busy, some funny quotes will cheer them up and make their day. Here are some of the best and funny medical quotes for the general practitioner in your life.

Medical quotes are varied and come from both practitioners and patients. Each perpective is different and is informed by experience. Medics find humor in their day to day work while patients find humor in the process of treatment. This list of hilarious medical quotes is diverse and perfect for the medic in your life.

Why humour is needed in medical practice

The best thing about medical humour is that it’s great for both patients and medics. Laughter is the best medicine after all. Here is why funny medical quotes are more important than you would think:

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Benefits of sense of humour in medics

Medics argue that humour is necessary for them to perform their jobs well. The medical profession is beyond exhausting for nurses and physicians and laughter helps them cope a little bit more.

Performing critical operations and witnessing tragedies in real time is emotionally draining. Therefore having a sense of humor has become akin to having the medical qualification for medics.

Advantages funny medical quotes for patients

Laughter reduces anxiety and relaxes patients which is all medics ask for when examining. These funny quotes help in bonding with your patient or medic. It makes all those medical equipment that scare the living hell out of you just a little bit less intimidating.

The most famous medical quote of all time

There is no agreement on the most famous medical quote of all time but this quote by William Osler is pretty well-known.

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He who studies medicine without books sails an uncharted sea, but he who studies medicine without patients does not go to sea at all - William Osler

Funny medical quotes for the doctors in your life

Crack a joke at the person who is said to have the most serious profession in the world. With these funny medical quotes, you can coax a laugh from them to wash away their exhaustion. There are some to poke fun at them too!

Hilariously funny medical quotes

Tease the medics in your life with these funny medical quotes. At work, doctors are taken very seriously and hardly get a break in between shifts. You can get them to relax off-work with these hilariously funny medical quotes:

• God heals and the doctor takes the fees. -Benjamin Franklin
• The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
• Doctors always think anybody doing something they aren't a quack. - Flannery O'Connor
• Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham
• A doctor is a man who writes prescriptions till the patient either dies or is cured by nature. - John Taylor
• My doctor gave me six months to live but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more. - Matthau
• Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. - Anton Chekhov
• Which part of your body likes to drink milk? Your calf!
• As a child, I had a medical condition where I had to eart dirt 3 times a day in order to survive, luckily, my brother told me about it.
• The banana went to the hospital because it was not peeling well.
• If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical weed for arthritis treatment, there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.
• Before surgery, the nurse put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left. She said, "Wow! How can you do that?" I said: "I'm ambi-textrous."

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Short funny medical quotes

Doctors are good leaders because of their extensive, detailed, and extended training. This is evidenced by the manner they have drafted policies in navigating the world's most difficult health crises. So for these very important people in your life, find the best funny medical quotes below:

• A great doctor kills more people than a great general. - Gottfried Leibniz
• First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
• The doctor is to be feared more than the disease.
• "Dr." is not just a prefix; it's a superpower.
• I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
• I am a doctor - it's a profession that may be considered a special mission, a devotion. - Ewa Kopacz
• A doctor is a man licensed to make grave mistakes. - Leonard Louis Levinson
• Never ask a surgeon whether you need an operation. - Kocher
• Healing is the application of love to the places inside that hurt. - Iyanla Vanzant
• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
• The wish for healing has always been half of health. - Seneca the Younger
• Nature is better than a middling doctor.

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Funny healthcare quotes

The are tons of jokes involving the general field of healthcare. Whether it’s patients making fun of doctors or their ailments or doctors mocking soldiers on a battlefield, there is always a joke to be cracked. Below is a great collection of healthcare quotes:

• Whenever I go out, I always wear a stethoscope, that way when there is a medical emergency, I can always teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
• I’m looking for a good medical programme to watch, but I don’t want no Scrubs.
• There’s an actual term for when a foot falls asleep, it’s called coma-toes.
• The army isn't paying you to die, get up and get back out there!
• After being in an accident that disabled both my legs, the doctor walked in with the medical bill, I couldn’t stand to look at it.
• Get up! You snivelling man. The army doesn’t pay you to die.
• The nurse badly wanted to pursue her career as a stand-up comedian. In one of the comedy shows, she literally left everyone in the stitches!
• What did the doctor say to the sick apple? We'll get to the core of this.
• Sorry, soldiers. I only have suppositories left.
• I patched up your bullet holes, but I'm afraid I can't do anything about the herpes.
• When I die, I am going to donate my body to science. That’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.
• In nothing do men more nearly approach the gods than in giving health to men.
• Don't vaccinate your children! Let a medical professional do it!
• Why did the pillow go to the doctors? They felt a bit stuffy.
• What doesn’t kill you, cripples you with medical debt.
• I went on a date with a Cardio Nurse and my heart was racing the whole time.
• He was wheeled into the operating room and then had a change of heart.

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Funny doctor sayings by famous medics

Nobody makes better medical jokes than doctors. After all, who would know the intricacies of the profession enough to poke fun at it like the professionals themselves? Here are the best funny medical quotes by famous doctors:

• I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? - Paul Merton
• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? - George Carlin
• My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays. - Joey Bishop
• The art of medicine is in amusing a patient while nature affects the cure. - Voltaire
• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
• Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi
• The doctors are always changing their opinions. They always have some new fad. - David Lloyd George
• A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy. - Joan Rivers

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Funny doctor quotes to tell your patients

Jokes are a great way to get your patient to loosen up and stop staring at you like you are doom come true. For a better treatment session, try some light-hearted humor to bond with your patient. Below are funny medical quotes you can use:

• An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute, forget the fruit.
• A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams
• Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. – Samuel Goldwyn
• Each patient carries his own doctor inside him. - Norman Cousin
• My doctor told me you have only two months left. But, when I couldn't pay the bill, he increased the timeline.
• You can tell when a patient is feeling better when she starts to wear makeup. - Jenn O'Keefe
• Medicines cure diseases, but only doctors can cure patients. - Carl Jung
• I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
• It's kinda scary when a doctor asks your price range. - Tom Wilson
• There must be something to acupuncture. After all, you never see any sick porcupines! – Bob Goddard
• The operation was a complete success, but the patient died of something else. – John Chiene
• The art of medicine is in amusing a patient while nature affects the cure. – Voltaire
• I’m not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. – Groucho Marx
• Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold. – Jerry Vale
• I have the body of an eighteen-year-old. I keep it in the fridge. – Spike Milligan
• She got her looks from her father: He’s a plastic surgeon. -Groucho Marx
• For the majority of people, smoking has a beneficial effect. – Dr Ian MacDonald (1963)

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Funny quotes about doctors' handwriting

Doctors’ handwriting has been the butt of the joke since the medical profession existed. The fact that only pharmacists can tell what is written in the seemingly ineligible note is amazing. The best part of it is that doctors are well aware of how bad their handwriting is.

• I have good handwriting. Patients don't believe I am a real doctor.
• Do you have bad handwriting? Congratulations, you are going to be a doctor in future.
• My father is a doctor, and he can't read his handwriting.
• You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten. - Earl Wilson
• Honestly, Jack, your handwriting is terrible." Jackson held up both hands. "What can I say? I'm a doctor. - Vic James
• He pointed to the board where the word 'alliteration' had been written in handwriting far better than mine, which on good days looks like it came from the hand of a blind doctor writing his own m*rphine scripts in an earthquake. - Robert Wilder

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Funny doctor retirement quotes

Know a doctor who is retiring? Just as soldiers get told “Thank you for your service” doctors deserve it too. How about a witty way to wish them a happy retirement while making them laugh? Try some of these funny medical quotes for retirement quotes:

• Who will listen to me whine and moan about all of my minor aches and pains now? Happy retirement, Doc!
• We will miss your expertise but not the early morning shifts!
• Wishing you a retirement where the only emergencies you’ll face are choosing between pizza or sushi for dinner.
• May the only note you complete from now on be from your bucket list. Best wishes in your future adventures.
• Congratulations on finally achieving eternal vacation mode!”
• Retirement is like finally getting discharged from the hospital after a long stay. Now it’s time to enjoy the freedom and pamper yourself.
• Retirement is the beginning of the time when you can advise others without having to chart it.
• You’re retired now. Shut and sit down when they ask if there’s a doctor on board.
• May you replace your stethoscope with a snorkel or Lei. Here is to a retirement full of adventure, travel, and much-deserved rest.

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Funny Nurses Week quotes

Working as a nurse or doctor is a highly rewarding profession despite the overwhelming work. Nurses keep the health care facilities running and patients alive. Here are some hilarious nursing quotes to help you get through the highs and lows of your day.

• Being a nurse is weird. I can keep a p*ker face through trauma but have a mental breakdown over losing my favourite pen.
• Doctors put a wall up between themselves and their patients; nurses broke it down. - Jodi Picoult
• You know you're a nurse when your finger has gone places you never thought possible.
• Once a nurse, always a nurse. No matter where you go or what you do, you can never truly get out of nursing. It's like the Mafia… you know too much. - Deb Gaudlin, RN
• Nursing friendships are a different kind of love. Like, ‘I’ll hold the butt cheeks while you clean the butt crack’ kind of love!
• Don't mess with me – I get paid to poke people with sharp objects.
• A doctor can bury his mistakes. but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. -Frank Lloyd Wright
• Be nice to me. I dispense the happy pills.
• The nurse that can smile when things go wrong… is probably going off duty.
• How can anybody hate nurses? Nobody hates nurses. The only time you hate a nurse is when they're giving you an enema.
• Nurse — the first person you see after saying, ‘Hold my beer and watch this!’
• Nursing would be a dream job if there were no doctors, nurses in charge… or patients.
• Laughter is the best medicine… except when treating diarrhea.

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What is the best quote for Doctor’s Day?

A good doctor treats the disease; a great doctor treats the patient who has the disease. – William Osler.

What is a quote about the medical profession?

He who studies medicine without books sails an uncharted sea, but he who studies medicine without patients does not go to sea at all. - William Osler

What are some unique quotes for doctors?

These are unique and inspiring quotes that appreciate what doctors do for humanity. Pick any below to send to a doctor in your life to brighten their day.

• A doctor gives up his life, in order to save yours.
• A doctor is always someone's HERO and someone's HOPE.
• Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.
• Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it. - Tori Amos
• It is the duty of a doctor to prolong life, and it is not his duty to prolong the act of dying. - Horder
• As to diseases, make a habit of two things - to help, or at least, to do no harm.
• The life so short, the craft so long to learn.
• Doctors will have more lives to answer for in the next world than even we generals. - Napoleon Bonaparte

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What is a nice quote about medicine?

The aim of medicine is to prevent disease and prolong life; the ideal of medicine is to eliminate the need of a physician. - William J. Mayo

What is a quote about the practice of medicine?

Wherever the art of medicine is loved, there is also a love for humanity. - Hippocrates

Being able to laugh at your own career as a medical professional can be one of the greatest stress relievers out there. Medical practitioners experience things every day that most people can't even imagine and tragedies first hand. To keep going, they enjoy funny medical quotes that can only be understood in the crazy world of medicine.

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