What is an ENM relationship? Learn about ethical non-monogamy
In some societies, people have always believed that a relationship should either be monogamous or polygamous. However, the world has continued to evolve, and so has the meaning of relationships. Just as other types of relationships, such as "friends with benefits", came up, ENM was also formed. What is an ENM relationship? Franklin Veaux, co-author of "More Than Two" a comprehensive guide to polyamory, provides insights about the principles, benefits, challenges, and communication strategies of ethical non-monogamous relationships (ENMs).
Source: UGC
TABLE OF CONTENTS
- What is an ENM relationship?
- Difference between ENM and traditional monogamous relationships
- Principles of ENMs
- Benefits and challenges of ENM relationships
- How can one approach the ENM topic with an unfamiliar partner?
- Is ENM different from poly?
- How do you learn ethical non-monogamy?
- What makes ENM ethical?
- Is ethical non-monogamy healthy?
- Why is ethical non-monogamy on the rise?
An ENM relationship has become popular today and is being advertised on dating apps. It's perceived to be a complicated form of relationship mostly found in the urban world. What does ENM mean? The abbreviation ENM means ethical non-monogamy.
What is an ENM relationship?
What does ENM stand for? It stands for ethical non-monogamy. It is where the couple can have sexual or romantic engagements with other people. Both partners agree and give consent to one another to be in such arrangements. There are multiple sexual or romantic partners involved in ENM.
Types of ENM relationships
Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) is a broad term for various types of engagements. ENM is different from conventional non-monogamy, which is also called cheating or infidelity. Below are the different types of ENM relationships:
1. Open relationships
The phrase open relationship has gained popularity lately. This is where the parties involved engage in sexual or romantic acts with other people. Both partners approve and agree to it from the beginning. It doesn't have to be sexual; partners are allowed to meet, talk, and flirt with others freely.
They are not limited to gender and involve inviting other people into a couple's private life. However, they have some protection rules to prevent envy. These rules are revised over time to ensure everyone is satisfied.
2. Polygamy
ENM can also be polygamous. Polygamy is one of the oldest types of marriage in the world, which is acceptable in some religions, such as Islam. It involves a man having multiple wivesaccepted polygamy. This type of union has advantages and disadvantages, and it is safe if all parties agree.
4. Polyandry
Another form of ENM is polyandry. This is the opposite of polygamy and involves a wife having multiple husbands. There is a mutual agreement between the parties involved.
4. Polyamory
A polyamorous relationship refers to people who look for more personal, romantic connections with other people. This is accepted in many societies where one person has multiple partners and loves all of them. It involves going on dates with other partners and not just having sexual encounters.
5. Swinging
Source: UGC
Swinging is one of the earliest known forms of non-monogamy in unmarried couples. It is where a couple agrees to swap partners with another couple for sexual relations.
It sometimes involves having a third sexual partner or multiple partners in a group setting. Swinging mostly happens at clubs, at swinging parties, and among couples' friends.
6. Polyaffective
This is a non-sexual interaction between two people related through a polyamorous union. A polyeffective union could emerge from a polyamorous relationship. People in this kind of relationship consider each other as special people or best friends.
7. Relationship anarchy
This is a non-monogamous engagement where individuals do not define what they are to each other. They don't adhere to societal expectations, and preferences change per the partner's needs. They believe one can be happy without conforming to society's expectations.
8. Monogamish
This is a term for couples who can be monogamous most of the time but occasionally have intercourse with other people. The sexual encounters are just physical and not emotional. They are usually far between, say, five years. The couples lay down the rules of engagement before embarking on the experience.
9. Cuckolding
Cuckolding is where one partner brings in a third party for sexual relations. The other partner stays and watches their partner in the escapades.
10. Threesomes
You may have heard about threesomes when people are discussing having romantic adventures. This is where a couple brings in a third person to have intercourse with them. This could be a regular thing, or it could be a one-night stand. Couples must agree on the rules before engaging in a threesome.
11. Casual dating
When people casually date, they have intercourse with different people. This means they are not committed to one person. Everyone knows what’s happening and is okay with it.
Ethical non-monogamy vs open relationship
Is ENM the same as an open relationship? Not exactly. Most people sometimes confuse an ENM with an open relationship. ENM is an umbrella term that encompasses open relationship.
This means that all open relationships count as ENM, but not all ENM relationships are open. Ethical non-monogamy often involves love and emotional intimacy, while an open engagement is purely for sexual satisfaction.
What are the rules of ENM?
Source: UGC
ENM arrangements can get very complicated and messy. It is, therefore, important to have rules and standards in place to ensure all parties are on the same page. Here are some of the rules of ENM:
- Make sure you and your partner agree to date other people from the beginning. It would be disastrous if your partner did not agree, which could end things.
- Do regular evaluations with all parties involved and address any issues that arise. One of the issues that could come up is jealousy. Deal with it rationally without pointing fingers.
- Put each other first. It is important to prioritize your partner to ensure you don't drift apart.
- Be open with each other when you engage intimately with other people. You should not hide any sexual or romantic encounters from your partner.
- Have constant communication on the hierarchies among the partners. Everyone must know their position in the arrangement.
- Prioritize everyone's privacy. Not everyone is comfortable letting others know they are in such an arrangement. It is, therefore, important to ensure their privacy is respected.
- Ensure everyone involved is safe. With multiple partners, there is the risk of contracting STIs or even unwanted pregnancies. Ensure everyone is safe by having protection and taking periodic tests.
- Have clear boundaries between the two of you, mostly on what activities are allowed. In other words, know the limits when engaging with other people.
Difference between ENM and traditional monogamous relationships
Franklin Veaux, a co-author of "More Than Two" with over two decades of experience in non-monogamous relationships, explained in an interview the difference between ENMs and traditional monogamous relationships. He said:
People in non-monogamous relationships can have multiple lovers in multiple long-term romantic relationships, but there's no cheating involved: everyone involved knows and agrees to the arrangement.
It can be tempting to call this "sanctioned cheating," but the word 'cheating' means "breaking the rules.' Something that is permitted is not cheating by definition.
For example, I am married. My wife and I have been together for 20 years, but we have not been monogamous during that time (in fact, I have never been in a monogamous relationship).
Throughout those two decades, she has had other boyfriends, and I have had other girlfriends. I know her other lovers, and she knows mine; last year, we went on vacation together in Barcelona with my wife and our extended network.
Traditional relationships forbid falling in love or having sex with other people. Ethical non-monogamy permits these things.
Principles of ENMs
Franklin explained that the principle behind ethical non-monogamy is that love is not like money. He said:
If you have some money in your pocket and you spend it, you don't have it anymore. Every bit of money you spend is money you no longer have. It's a finite thing that you exchange for other things.
Non-monogamous people don't believe that money works that way. You can love someone wholeheartedly and still have love left to love someone else. Anyone who's ever had two children knows this: you don't love your children only half as much as someone with one child! The same thing applies to romantic love.
Everything else flows from that one idea: that love is not like money, that it's possible to be in love with more than one person at a time. (Some people will tell you that you can't even look at anyone else if you're really in love with one person. I'm sure they're telling the truth, for them, but not everyone is so limited in love.)
Franklin outlines key principles that help build a healthy and successful non-monogamous relationship. They include:
- Open communication
- Respect for the autonomy of others
- Inner security
Benefits and challenges of ENM relationships
Franklin shared some benefits and challenges of having an ENM relationship with personal experiences. He mentioned:
1. Love and support
I have built a life where I love and am loved by many people who have been part of it for the long haul. My wife and I are celebrating twenty years together this month, and my girlfriend and I have been together for more than fifteen years.
I have published several books with one of my lovers, and I'm working on a novel, due out in 2026, with another of my lovers. My lovers make my life better in so many ways, and I make their lives better. Together, we can do things, learn things, and grow in ways we couldn't otherwise. All of us contribute to making one another's lives so very much better. But the benefits are different for different people.
2. Untapped understanding of ENM
Franklin explained that despite monogamy being present for thousands of years, non-monogamy relationships are still learning how to make it work.
3. Hostility and prejudice from people.
4. Scheduling: Franklin said lack of time (spending time with multiple partners) poses a problem in ENM relationships.
How can one approach the ENM topic with an unfamiliar partner?
Franklin provides expert tips from a personal point-of-view on how to discuss and enter ENM with a partner who does not know about it. He said:
I won't date anyone who is not already non-monogamous. I don't want to be anyone's introduction to non-monogamy. Back when I first started, though, that wasn't true--there were no communities of like-minded people.
So, I always made it clear that monogamy wasn't something I wanted and let the people who did want monogamy choose not to date me.
It's far easier to build a relationship with someone who wants the same thing you do than to build a relationship by dating someone incompatible with you and then trying to change them into someone compatible with you. Be open about what you want; others who wish to do the same will find you.
Is ENM different from poly?
Yes, it is. Ethical non-monogamy is a broader term, and polyamory is one of the types of ENM. Polyamory involves having intimacy with different people at the same time.
How do you learn ethical non-monogamy?
You don't have to practice ENM, but you can learn about it. You can learn about it online or through people who practice it.
What makes ENM ethical?
The mutual agreement between the parties involved makes it ethical. There are rules set beforehand, unlike cheating, where there are no rules and no mutual understanding.
Is ethical non-monogamy healthy?
Ethical non-monogamy can be healthy or unhealthy, depending on the care and protection the partners involved take.
Why is ethical non-monogamy on the rise?
The reasons why people choose to practise ethical non-monogamy are just personal and varied. Ethical non-monogamy has increased since people want to explore their sexuality. People's desires, fantasies and sexual preferences can be satisfied by engaging in ENM dating.
Many people may not favour ENM, but there is an upcoming trend where many couples are embracing it. ENM has become popular, appearing on dating apps and other online platforms. However, an ENM relationship works well when all partners agree and respect one another's privacy and safety.
READ ALSO: What is a queerplatonic relationship? The modern term explained
Legit.ng published an article about a queerplatonic relationship. Since relationships come in many forms, many people want to learn what queerplatonic means. This is a type of relationship that lies between friendship and romance. In a queerplatonic engagement, you feel super close to someone but are not romantically involved.
Sometimes you may be attracted to someone but not have romantic feelings for them. The feeling can be confusing as you need to define it as romantic or friendship. It is more than friendship but not sexual. A queerplatonic relationship is normal, although it is not popular.
Source: Legit.ng
Naomi Karina (Lifestyle writer) Naomi Karina has been a digital content writer for more than two years. She joined the Legit team in August 2022. She graduated Bachelor of Commerce from KCA University in 2012. She also holds a Higher Diploma in Human Resources from the IHRM and a Diploma in Marketing from Kenyatta University. She is a content creator who enjoys writing about various topics such as biographies, entertainment and business. In 2023, Naomi finished the AFP course on Digital Investigation Techniques. She expanded her skills in 2024 by undertaking the Google News Initiative course.
Mary Ugbodaga (Lifestyle Journalist) Mary Ugbodaga is a Legit.ng journalist with 7 years of experience in journalism and media communications. She graduated from Covenant University in 2018 with a Bachelor's degree in Mass Communication/Media Studies. Mary previously worked as a journalist at TheCable, CNBC AFRICA, Voice of Nigeria, KPMG Nigeria. Email: mary.ugbodaga@corp.legit.ng.
